Feeling Fear (and Still Walking Through It)

I would love to hear your thoughts on this one! Please share

I was at a writers’ workshop a couple of weeks ago. My intention was to work with my imagination and flow with the book I have been writing (yes, I am saying it out loud again—like a stake in the ground. Sometimes that is what we have to do to relight the fire under our ass).

During one of my 1:1 sessions with Allegra, my writing mentor, she asked me about fear. She helped me explore looking at fear in a new way.

Most of us avoid fear—it’s natural. Who wants to be scared or get hurt? Not many. But I have done many things in my life that I was scared to death to do, and Allegra asked me why. I couldn’t answer her clearly. I wasn't sure.

So here we are… exploring fear.

The next day, they had the whole group write about fear—an irrational fear (and in my opinion, most are). And the truth is, it was wildly uncomfortable to dive into it, live into it, feel into it.

Then I found myself asking, Do I really want to write a book about overcoming fear if I’m going to feel like this while writing it? But maybe that’s the point.

Then, when I read it out loud, they suggested I post it. “You mean in public… on my Substack platform?” Yes. Exactly, they said. 

So here it is… I’m typing it here as is with its imperfection. 

 I’ll let you know at the end if I have the same experience of living the fear I felt with this incident.

(Here is my original fear passage untouched below)

The fear is dark for sure, maybe so dark it consumes all of you from the pit in your stomach expanding out like a deep fiery red sensation that moves to the skin, that creeps, that tingles with spikey gloom and heightened awareness- a high alert. You know this feeling well. The feeling when you would walk in the door after school, grabbing the brass key in the back crevices of the corner statue, the piece on the left side of the door displaying a carving of an old mans face with furrower brow and deep wrinkles in his cheeks on one side of the stone statue and a young man on the other side with not a worry in the world, fresh with wonder. They guarded the front door and held the key that was hidden from plain sight - the family secret among many.  

I put the key in the keyhole and paused, holding my breath and silently opening the door to the unknown- the unknown mood that may be waiting for me behind the door. Would she be angry and mad that I left the cereal bowl in the sink or didn't close the door all the way when I ran to get the bus, getting myself off to school alone in the morning like I always did at 7 years old? Would she be raving mad with spittle flying from her mouth, or would it be another mood- the happy one who wanted to go into town to get ice cream at Old Uncle Gaylord's in the dark red brick building in downtown Mill Valley? My stomach turned as I pushed the heavy door open…silence. I was alone, and the dark fear dissolved in my body.

Yes — I felt the fear again, but this time less so. My body and nervous system are healing and no longer hijacked by the past, as they once were. And that, to me, is the real work, not eliminating fear but changing my relationship to it.

Fear lives in the body. It has an energy to it, an energy that can feel overwhelming, consuming, prickly, and at times completely out of our control. When we don’t understand it, we either avoid it, suppress it, or unconsciously let it run the show. But when we are willing to feel it, look at it, be with it, and more importantly, stay with it, we can allow it to move through us, and something begins to shift. The energy changes, and it no longer controls us. It’s a choice.

This is where awareness becomes powerful because the truth is, many of the decisions we make in our lives, personally and professionally, are driven by fear. Oftentimes, irrational fears like fear of judgment, failure. Being in trouble (my go-to), getting it wrong, for some, it’s being seen. They start with our thoughts and can take us down a rabbit hole- even the irrational ones because they feel so darn real!

But when we begin to recognize fear for what it is — energy moving through the body — energy in motion = emotion, then we create space.

You don’t have to eliminate it. You just don’t let it lead.

Be aware and choose, moment by moment, the energy you want to lead from.

Thank you for letting me share.

With heart,